Dear Eric: My 35-year-old brother “Jeff” lives in another state and has been dating and living with his 25-year-old girlfriend for five years. He has flown home to visit us several times over the years but has never brought her with him to meet us.
At the beginning of the relationship, she was very abusive toward him. He had her arrested and thrown in jail once.
He has admitted not loving her and not being attracted to her anymore but has continued his relationship with her. He obviously does not give us any reason to support his relationship.
Our mother paid for an all-inclusive family trip for him, our (single) brother, my husband and myself. She did not invite his girlfriend because she has never met any of us. “Jeff” was offended by this, so decided he wasn’t going on the vacation.
He and I argued because he told me our mom purposely didn’t invite the girlfriend just to upset him, but I know that is not true because our mother was very troubled about her decision and her approach to him.
So, now our biggest fears have come true. He doesn’t speak to any of us. He has completely isolated himself with the girlfriend thousands of miles away. I know he has no friends, therefore is dependent on her. I miss him, and I worry so much about his well-being.
I know he won’t welcome me with open arms because I do not support his relationship, but how do I approach him to try to reconcile?
– Worried About Baby Bro
Dear Worried: The easiest path may not be the best path here. It seems likely that if you concede to his reality – his girlfriend is a “part of the family”; the problems of the past don’t exist – he’ll reconcile. But that doesn’t help anyone.
Jeff has been very clear about the issues he has with his relationship (some of which are of his own creation), and he hasn’t made any efforts to join the two houses. The girlfriend is a stranger who has a pattern of abuse. Why would you include her?
His isolation could also be a part of the abuse. To start to rebuild your bridge, you should focus on the relationship that you have with Jeff as siblings. Tell him that you’ve missed him and what you appreciate about him. Tell him that you’d like to be in each other’s lives again.
See if you can keep this conversation from becoming focused on a single issue. The big ideas are that you love him, you care about him, and you miss him. Building from that, down the line you can start to ask probing questions about how he feels and how he can get the help he needs to leave this behind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)