Dear Eric: I’m 51 years old. I’ve been dating “John” for two and a half years now. After a year, he moved in to help with the mortgage. Most of the time he pays but if he misses a month and I ask about it, he gets angry which I find to be a very strange reaction.
If I ever get mad about something he turns around and gets mad at me and often blames me.
Most of the time he works from home and is on many Zoom calls a day. He says the work is better than he could have imagined. But in this time, we have been on zero vacations together. When I ask him about taking a trip together, he always says I should go because he is too busy and to stop being antagonistic.
We have had dinner with mutual friends less than 10 times. He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and occasionally have dinner out together. I’m flattered he wants to spend time with me but sad we have no community together. I feel bored and uninspired.
He doesn’t share anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents are in town, he has dinner with them at 5 p.m. six nights a week for a couple months. I find this excessive.
I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.
– Not Sure About Being Single Again
Dear Not Sure: Not to be too blunt but I’m confused about what you’re getting out of this relationship. Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about mortgage payments. He makes a lot of time for his parents and work, but no time to build a relationship with you.
There’s a difference between being a workaholic and being a person who isn’t prepared to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems he’s the latter and if he isn’t interested in learning how to show up for you, you have to show up for yourself and show him the door.
You write that you’re flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you isn’t doing you a favor, it’s something that he should want to do and be proactive about. You deserve that.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)