Dear Lucas: Even before the election I was dreading the prospect of politics coming up at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Every year, someone says something to someone, and it turns into an awkward moment. Most of the time, I just sit there and wait for it to be over, but this year I’m determined to avoid another fight. I just want to catch up with my relatives after not seeing them much this year. How do I get my family to leave their politics at the door?
Dear Reader: What do you mean you don’t want to spend every second of the next four years discussing our lord and savior Donald Trump?
Though it feels wrong to ruin Thanksgiving by subjecting your loved ones to political rantings and gloats, it’s actually very much in line with the holiday’s history, which includes spreading propaganda and brushing over atrocities.
That’s why you should make this year’s misery be on your terms. There’s a reason religion and politics are always mentioned as the twin horsemen of Ruining a Perfectly Good Time. Why not combine those?
When your brother has a mouth full of mashed potatoes, grab him by the face, pull him in close and make an uncomfortable amount of eye contact. Ask him if the worm god goes by Shai-Hulud or Shaitan. If he says the latter, he’s obviously a heretic and must be punished (no pie). If he says the former, he’s fine (tentatively). If he simply looks at you with a look of fear and confusion, that means he is a true believer. As a true believer, he can keep pace with your discussions about the politics of the Imperium until the Dallas Cowboys throw their sixth interception or grandma brings out the cobbler (whichever comes first).
Once other people at the table see how insane you’ve become over the last year, they may just set aside their petty squabbling and truly be thankful they have at least one more Thanksgiving before they’ve completely lost their marbles.
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Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to [email protected].