“We just want to feel safe. » This phrase (“we just want to be safe”), which appears on a poster on the wall, resonates like a mantra in the glass offices of the 39.19now installed at Puppet (Seine-Saint-Denis). Every day of the year, nights included, listeners take turns to guide and inform those who are experiencing domestic, physical, psychological, economic violence… or who are seeking help for a friend, a daughter, a mother. Calm Olympian disappears when you put headphones on your ears. Tears and urgency are heard from all corners of the country. Of the 97,000 calls made in 2023, 24% of victims came from Île-de-France. Half of them were between 20 and 39 years old. We witnessed this for a day with two listeners of this free number, Maurine and Lucie.
“My daughter films her bruises”
Write to the prosecutor? Find a lawyer? This woman no longer knows how to help her daughter, herself a mother of three children. The husband is violent and frivolous. The 35-year-old wife has made her decision, this time it’s over. But he refuses to let her go. Sometimes he looks around to hold her back, sometimes he beats her. His salary does not allow him to move away. “My daughter is filming her bruises,” said the mother in a heartbreaking voice. These images may be sent to the police one day… or not. For the moment, the young mother does not want to file a complaint.
“What to do as a third party? I am afraid for the children, they are taken hostage,” begs the grandmother. Children see violence and suffer it. “The first step is to protect yourself,” replies Maurine, the listener. The call lasts more than half an hour. “There is a good chance that he will not give up, the children are a lever of power, a way of reaching her. She needs to hire a lawyer. Your daughter needs to feel listened to, supported, that’s very well what you do, madam. And if things really aren’t going well, she calls 17.” “And with him? », asks the grandmother. “Don’t let him think that you are his enemy, otherwise he won’t want her to see you anymore,” advises Maurine, also suggesting to listen to her daughter, whom she calls 39.19 to listen and relays in his department.
“Someone who loves you doesn’t do that”
Forty years of marriage and not a kiss, not even a hello in the morning. Nothing but reproaches and silences. “I can’t take it anymore, I want to end it,” breathes this sixty-year-old, guided by her psychologist. She first unraveled the entire thread of her life, before coming to this sentence. “You tell me that there is no dialogue possible, that he denigrates you, that he is the one who blows hot and cold, that is called domestic violence, psychological violence is no less important, and it is prohibited by law,” explains Maurine.
“But I don’t want divorce, I won’t know where to go, and then the house, we saved our whole lives to have it… If I tell him that I called you, he’ll be worse…” Maurine says he doesn’t have to know. Calls are confidential and anonymous. “Someone who loves you doesn’t do that,” adds the listener. For there to be a change, there must be a request for forgiveness, that he recognizes what you are going throughthe consequences that it causes and that he seeks help, in what you tell me, no conditions are met. » A lawyer could help… “I’m not ready for all that… replies the mother. Maybe he loves me…” Maurine indicates that “what is at stake is not love, this is control”.
“Can I file a complaint for my mother? »
Family, friends… everyone knows that the father is “very very violent”. And over time, the 77-year-old mother ended up remaining silent, using the falls as an excuse to explain her bruises. “I too have been hit all my childhood,” says the girl on the line, “but this is the first time it’s been so serious…” The father doesn’t know anything about it yet, but his wife won’t come home. not at home, she will go elsewhere. “ Can I file a complaint for my mother? », asks the girl. The answer is no. “It is important to know what your mother is planning,” recommends Lucie, “she must first leave this home where she has been in danger for a long time and calm down. Above all, you should not rush it. Imagine she files a complaint and then returns home. »
To rush a victim is to take the risk that they will cut ties and be even more isolated. Can we only change our lives at 77, 80, 85 years old? Domestic violence affects all generations. “In retirement, the couple can be stuck together 24 hours, climbing can be even faster,” comments Lucie, who advises several trails. The medical certificate, the hospital team… “You have to value your mother, spend time with her, give her back her self-esteem, when you have experienced violence for so long, it’s like of rehabilitation. She can also call us, tell her it’s confidential and anonymous. »
“He terrorizes everyone”
The call that follows begins in tears. “It’s for a friend who was hit by her husband, in front of her two sons, he insults her, calls her a whore, he terrorizes everyone. I worry about the children, for her, but she doesn’t want to leave him, she has already left but she fears finding herself alone, and I don’t want to betray her,” cries the young woman. Lucie lets her catch her breath. Silences settle in. Calls can last up to an hour. “We are talking on average of seven departures before a final departure in the event of domestic violence “, she explains.
“What words could make her react? », begs the young woman. “Give her yet another pole so that she calls us, we can give her contacts of lawyers who will help her. » “No, she’s closed off, she doesn’t want to ask for help,” laments the friend. “If you don’t see any progress, you may need to report it to 119, and perhaps other professionals have done so. We cannot act in place of adults, but the children did not ask for anything, they must be protected. » The young woman seems paralyzed. “You also deserve to have psychological support,” suggests Lucie. You can be impacted, we call it vicarious trauma (indirect trauma). » The voice finally calms down.
Video games as an escape route
An improbable three-way conversation begins. Enter Lucie at 39.19, a mother in her forties who comes to the aid of another, with whom she communicates by written messages. Her husband is on her back, she can’t call. The two women met through video games. The oldest detected that something was wrong, she asked two questions which were enough to burst the abscess. She typed in “domestic violence, how can I help someone?” » and here she is on the line with Lucie.
This is the third time in two weeks that gamers have raised the alarm, a sign that online games can also break the total isolation here. “Her husband watches everything, he spends his time insulting her, belittling her, hitting her. She can’t call, he’s still there, she wants to leave but doesn’t know how, she’s afraid the children will be taken away from her,” explains the first. “The children are at risk if she stays with him,” replies Lucie. The questions follow one another, the isolated mother responds in writing to her friend. They hang up with the contact details of an association near her home and a cell number that will allow her to send an SMS if she still cannot call.