Asking Eric: I just found out my late partner was cheating on me

Dear Eric: Two months ago, I lost the love of my life when he died unexpectedly.

I have known him for almost 10 years, first as friends that evolved into serious dating.

I learned a week after he passed that while we were a couple he had another current girlfriend and several more partners. His best friend confided afterwards that I was his main relationship, his emotional connection to me was authentic, but monogamy was never a goal of his.

Looking back, the new information has explained features of the relationship that I sensed were off. The grief has been complicated by feeling hurt.

My new dilemma is that he introduced me to co-workers, friends and family and some people knew about or met the girlfriend and some didn’t. His narrative about his relationships depended on the audience.

When someone wants to talk to me about how I am doing or my favorite memories of him, I don’t know what information I should share. I have chosen not to bad-mouth his memory with anyone who knew him, but my mourning is multi-layered, and I want to talk about my experience in a genuine manner.

Should I mention he had other romantic pursuits in a brief and matter-of-fact manner?

– Gripped by Grief

Dear Gripped: I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that your grief has been complicated by this new information. That’s painful and leaves a lot unresolved.

With any grief processing, it’s wise to choose your audience. You don’t have to hold yourself back or stifle your feelings but consider who can hold this information with appropriate care. And, more importantly, who can provide you the comfort you need and deserve.

It’s not gossip to tell the truth about where you are with your grief or about the facts you learned about your partner. And if the people you’re talking to can hold the two complicated truths – that you loved him and that this new information hurts – you may find some relief.

Before you share your feelings, however, you’ll want to think through how you want to respond to follow-up questions people surely have. It’s fine to say you don’t want to give further details about what you knew or suspected. But I don’t want you to be blindsided by curiosities that might feel intrusive and detrimental to your healing.