DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 25 years ago, I was in a “moms of preschoolers” group. I knew some women better than others, but I considered all of them part of my larger friend group. As our kids grew up, we stayed somewhat in touch, forming smaller groups, but those broke up during the pandemic. I haven’t seen most of these women since 2020. One of the women passed away. She was not a close friend, so I was unaware she’d been sick for two years, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death. I planned to go to the funeral. I also replied to a group email from one of her close friends, asking the sender about bringing food. In response, I got a lecture about how this woman’s husband (always a thorny guy) had said that only two people from this moms’ group visited his wife when she was sick, so obviously no one cared. I would have cared, had I known she was sick. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn’t go to the funeral. Did I do the right thing? When people send out group emails, I assume it’s because they want a big outpouring from a large group of people, not all of whom are going to be the deceased’s closest friends. Is it ghoulish to attend the funeral of someone who was only a peripheral sort of friend?
GENTLE READER: Ghouls are beings who like graveyards; neither your intent in going, nor your behavior, had you done so, would have supported such an accusation. So why did you not? If it was because you feared that the husband’s statement — and his past behavior — meant he would make a scene if you did, then it was reasonable not to go. But this would be extreme behavior on his part. His statement sounds instead, to Miss Manners, like the bitter, unthinking comment of a new widower — made in grief and best overlooked. It would have been better to go, and show him he was wrong. But you can still write a condolence letter.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)