Dear Annie: My wife’s lack of acknowledgement for milestone events in my has led to resentment

Dear Annie: I was a high school teacher in an urban area and just retired after a grueling 37-year career under very difficult circumstances. I’ve been married for 30-plus years and am the father of two daughters who are now in their late 20s.

I’ve been a good father, husband and provider for my family throughout my life. My relationship with my daughters is exceptional. However, I harbor some resentment toward my wife because she didn’t value my sacrifices at the end of my career.

Lots of my friends who retired with me were recognized properly by their wives and immediate family with gatherings and get-togethers to celebrate such a once-in-a-lifetime event. However, when I asked my wife if we could have some of my friends come for a small gathering at our house, her response was a big NO, reason being that she had had previous parties for her parents and siblings for other occasions and didn’t feel that celebrating my retirement was necessary.

At that moment, I felt totally unvalued, and I never brought the subject up again. However, it surprised me that three weeks later, my wife was the key organizer for a retirement party for a member of her church, in which I saw her put in a lot of effort and time organizing something for someone unrelated to her. This definitely led to big feelings of resentment on my side, but I managed to keep a lid on my emotions.

When my 60th birthday came up, I asked my wife for a small birthday gathering of my friends at our house and again, she got mad at me just for asking. But a month later, she went all out on planning and making me go to her brother’s 60th birthday party.

A lot of my close friends were stunned that she’s never recognized my efforts and hard work over the years. I finally had a serious conversation with her about the whole issue and she started crying, saying she felt guilty for ignoring both important events. She felt so guilty she sought professional help for some time to get over those emotions.

Despite her recognition and apologies, I still harbor resentment as my logic tells me that there was a reason for her ignoring such a milestone moment. Whenever I try to talk about it, she gets upset and walks away. On top of that, during our marriage, I’ve had to endure negative racist comments from her mother and brothers since we are a mixed-race couple. I’ve kind of brushed those off as it’s something I’ve learned to deal with all my life. What bothers me is how she now brags about all the benefits she’s enjoying because of my retirement that she didn’t care to celebrate.

I have thought very seriously about ending my marriage as I don’t want to spend the rest of my days with someone who doesn’t value me. The reason I haven’t done so is that although my daughters are now adults, I’m very afraid of the emotional impact that might have on them. Any ideas on how I should proceed? — Undervalued and Hurt

Dear Undervalued: While your wife may have apologized for these recent instances, it’s clear there’s been a pattern of disrespect and disregard that you’ve had to endure over the entirety of your marriage, especially combined with her family’s racist remarks toward you over the years. You have every right to feel hurt and frustrated.

A good couples counselor can help you two figure out the root of, and solution to, changing this behavior. The resentment you feel, though understandable, will only put more and more strain on your relationship the longer you let it go unresolved. Your daughters aside, you deserve to be in a marriage where you feel seen, valued, celebrated and loved.