Asking Eric: We’re visiting family overseas for the holidays, but they didn’t include us in their plans

Dear Eric: My family and I will be traveling from California to the UK to visit my husband’s parents with our two kids.

During our visit, my husband’s brother, his partner, and their young daughter, will be joining us from Sweden for part of the stay.

We recently found out that my husband’s brother’s partner booked tickets for an event with Santa at a nearby stately home. It’s an event scheduled for when we’ll all be there together, but she didn’t extend the invitation to us and our children.

To make things harder, I had wanted to attend this event even before learning they would be going, but by the time I went to book, tickets were sold out.

Now, my kids and I won’t be able to attend, and my feelings are really hurt. I don’t want to create tension within the family, but I’m struggling with how to approach this or even if I should. She has been difficult before and has not ever seemed to engage closely with us as family even though she has been with my husband’s brother for almost 20 years.

She is friendly but often makes her own plans without considering others. I send gifts to the daughter and photos of our boys, but it is always the brother who seems to be engaging with us as a family. Thank you for any insights you can provide.

– Unhappy Holiday

Dear Holiday: You want to have a special holiday time, and you want to be thought of, both of which are reasonable. While it hurts to not be thought of, you can still create a special holiday moment. Presuming you haven’t hyped your kids up about the sold-out Santa, you can plan a trip to see (if you’re a child reading this, avert your eyes) another Santa in another home, or tearoom or store.

Much of the tension here seems to be coming from a pattern of behavior rather than this one incident. You feel that she’s too self-involved. If you weren’t already stewing on this, the Santa event might not have made such an impact. Because you live in different countries and, as you stated, she’s friendly, and the families aren’t at odds, I think you’ll be happier just accepting this part of her personality. Modifying your expectations might even help you to see some traits in her that you quite enjoy.