Asking Eric: My friend completely disappeared once they had kids

Dear Eric: How do you stay friends with someone who puts zero interest in maintaining an adult friendship?

My best friend from high school (of more than 20 years), had kids a few years ago. The kids are young but out of the baby stage. My friend constantly asks to hang out but never offers anything that is not totally kid-focused. Think story time at the library, watching their kids’ soccer practice or just inviting me over to play with the kids in the playroom.

I have suggested meeting for coffee before work or dinner after work, but my friend does not want to spend any time away from the family. Over the years, I have read columns about people who claim their friends disappeared once they have kids. I always said I would never do that but now I am seeing a possible other side to that story.

It sounds so selfish to say I do not enjoy hanging out with your kids for hours on a Saturday but that’s how I feel. I need tools to have a conversation. How do I talk about this with my friend?

– Grown-up Time

Dear Time: You write that your friend isn’t maintaining an adult friendship, but is that really true? Your friend is reaching out to you, inviting you to do things together, including you in the new rhythms of life. That’s maintenance. You can have an adult friendship in the playroom, too.

Your friend is prioritizing family life and friendship in a way that works for them. So, the conversation you’ll want to have is one with yourself: can I accept this?

I’m not trying to be too tough love, here. I get what you’re saying. Sometimes you want to have a conversation without having to spell out swear words. But we have to accept reality. You can try a direct ask, i.e., “I love your kids, but I’ve been hoping for one-on-one time.”

If the answer remains “not right now,” however, it’s important to respect it even if you don’t like it.

It’s possible that your friend doesn’t have the energy to do non-family hangouts. And you, in turn, don’t have to spend hours at a soccer practice if that’s not your ideal weekend plan. So, I encourage empathy, flexibility and creativity. Think about what you actually need from this friendship and what you can give to it and make that the basis of your ask.