DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for my daughter-in-law to say to me, “Why don’t you ask us what we want, rather than just getting something that we may not want or use?”
I was offended, because I thought gift-giving was the giver’s choice. Otherwise, it feels like the recipient is just placing their order with me. Offensive!
GENTLE READER: It is very offensive, but allow Miss Manners to explain where it is coming from.
Some time ago, the ancient custom of exchanging presents took an unpleasant turn. “It’s the thought that counts” became a joke to those who wanted to do away with the donor’s thoughts and get what they chose themselves. And many prospective donors agreed that it was too much bother to have to think about what might please a recipient.
Hence the spread of the gift registry and the end of the thoughtfulness element, which had been the whole point of giving presents: “I know you, and I am guessing that this will please you.” This method could go wrong, but gave great pleasure to both donor and recipient when it went right.
Your daughter-in-law takes the popular view that giving presents means exchanging shopping lists. No fun, no pleasant surprises (but also no unpleasant surprises) — and no finding out that someone close to you really understands and appreciates you.
You should discuss these different approaches with your daughter-in-law, and probably also your son, and decide if either of you want to switch systems. Or perhaps you could compromise: For example, they might tell you what category of things they like, or call attention to their taste. Question: How do they choose their presents to you?
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