Dear Eric: My partner and I are closing in on our third anniversary, and as we begin to talk seriously about the prospect of marriage, I’ve found myself a bit troubled with a certain aspect of our relationship.
I have not met his family once. This is my first “serious adult” relationship (I am 25; he is 34), so I don’t always know how to gauge what is normal, but my gut tells me that this is a bit strange.
He was raised by a single mother and was extremely close to her and his sister, but I learned that he stopped speaking to them about a year after we got together. When I broach the subject of his mother or sister in any respect, he completely shuts down and refuses to tell me anything about them. We almost never fight, but when we do it is always because I want to try and discuss his relationship with his family.
Family is extremely important to me, and if the only reason he is not talking to his family is because he “doesn’t care”, that is an absolute deal breaker for me. I do not know what I can do to make him trust me with his feelings. Have I already committed too much time and effort for someone who is clearly unwilling to discuss their feelings with me?
– Caring Partner
Dear Caring: Does he truly not trust you with his feelings or are his feelings on this topic still so raw and unresolved he can’t articulate them? What’s at the core of these fights for each of you?
To get at answers, and to hopefully see each other more clearly, consider doing premarital counseling. I recommend this for everyone, honestly, but in your case, a counselor or faith leader can provide a non-charged space for the two of you to talk about your relationship.
His relationship with his family, even estranged, is part of your relationship because it’s a part of him. Premarital can help to bring that out without backing him into a corner about what happened. He may never be ready to talk about what happened. You should respect his boundaries while still staying true to what you need in this relationship. The two of you should be able to communicate without him shutting down. And you need to get clarity on his feelings around family. This will help you decide if the relationship still works for you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
