Trigger warning: This story mentions suicide.
Like other forms of breakups or loss, divorce can be traumatic for individuals processing the end of their marriage. Unfortunately, many lack the tools or support system to manage this life-changing event. According to Psychology Today, in the U.S. the suicide rates among divorced or separated people are 2.4 times greater than people who are married. Even more concerning, men who are divorced face an even greater risk. Divorced men are more than eight times more likely to commit suicide than divorced women, according to a 2003 University of California report that is still widely cited today. More recent research on men and suicide has continued to reference this statistic.
Traditional gender roles pressured onto men discourage displaying emotions, talking about feelings causing suppression and discouraging those who need help from seeking it out. According to Mayo Clinic, men with depression often go undiagnosed and are more likely to self-treat symptoms of depression with substances like drugs and alcohol.
“It’s tragic even if there’s not a death by suicide for dads to become disconnected from their kids. It’s bad for the kids, it’s bad for the dads, and I think ultimately bad for society,” Dr. Eran Magen said in July. Magen is an assistant clinical professor at the Yale School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry and creator of DivorcingDads.org, a support system for fathers going through divorce or separation.
Divorce is commonplace in the U.S. The latest count showed a total of 673,989 divorces in 2022. According to Forbes, 43% of first marriages end in divorce but the numbers are higher for second, 60%, and third marriages, 73%. While many people will go through divorce, experts say it can still be an isolating experience.
“A lot of the time, it’s messy. [Often,] there’s finances, infidelity, maybe just not meeting expectations of the marriage. We just have to understand that divorce is still really, really tough,” said René García, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in adult men.
For men in particular, a failed marriage can have devastating consequences.
“I think in the U.S. in particular, men just don’t tend to have a lot of close relationships outside of their family, and so once the family breaks apart and separates, often men don’t know where to go for support and they end up just alone in their head, often feeling useless,” Magen told KTVB. “Women are much better about reaching out for support when necessary and as a result, get the support that they need.”
Men are overrepresented in suicide rates in general. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, men make up half of the population but account for 80% of suicides. And while statistics show they may need assistance the most, they are the least likely to seek help.
In 2020, the CDC found that only 15% of men reported going to therapy.
The reasons are both simple and complex. For one, men are conditioned by society to be strong, the leaders, the breadwinners – and talking about feelings and going to therapy don’t have a place in that perception.
“A lot of people in masculine, especially machismo circles, do not see utility in men going to therapy. It’s a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have lost control, it is a sign that you are not equipped,” explained García.
García said that some of the top stressors he sees in his work are depression, identity, and career changes that have been forced onto men.
“At one time, they may have been the financial support for their family, and now they are not,” he said, as an example.
A 2022 Max Stern Yezreel Valley College study on the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on men’s mental health supports what García’s seeing in his office. According to researchers, men whose economic status greatly deteriorated as a result of the pandemic also experienced high mental health impairment.
“The economic changes due to the COVID-19 pandemic may threaten men’s position as breadwinners and, therefore, their masculine identity. Threats to men’s masculine identity were determined as being associated with their health,” researchers wrote.
Identity and the roles we are supposed to play in society are influenced by a variety of factors, but these expectations and pressures vary greatly by gender. According to a 2017 survey by Pew Research Center, the top three traits Americans value in men are honesty, professionalism or financial success, and a tie between leadership and toughness. For women, the top three traits were physical attractiveness, intelligence, and honesty.
“The biggest kicker is that a lot of the time it’s [the stigma’s] perpetuated by people that could benefit the most from them going to therapy,” García told Reckon. “And I think that’s really the source of a lot of the work that I do is just promoting that not only do men go to therapy, they really excel and can achieve quite a bit once they are in that therapeutic space.”
Getting men to therapy
Mental health organizations and professionals may be missing the mark on how to reach men.
A 2022 New York Times report spoke to Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas, who interviewed male survivors of suicide attempts about what they thought would have helped them.
“One of the things they said was, ‘You know that message you mental health people like to put out there, “If you’re depressed, seek help”? That misses us on both counts,’”she told the NYT.
According to Spencer-Thomas, the men she spoke with did not consider themselves depressed, so messaging that used terms like mental illness and depression didn’t appeal to them.
However, some Black and Latino men are having these discussions in informal, non-clinical settings. In Chicago, men are utilizing spaces they’re already in, like barbershops, to support one another.
Since 2017, Roy Mainor, owner of FACES Barber and Beauty in Chicago, hosts “Mancave Mondays,” a monthly therapy session open to men of all races and ages to discuss everything from relationships to parenting to sports.
“It’s easy to say, ‘Come on bro, talk,’” Mainor told Fox 32 last week. “But it just doesn’t work like that with men [often]. I know it helps their mental health because there are things you’re just not going to say at work. You’re just not going to say that to your wife. You’re just not going to say that to your kids. You’re just holding it in. But when you get a place to come and vent and you get an outlet that helps.”
In diverse communities, traditional mental health services may not align with cultural norms or may carry stigmas that prevent men from seeking help. A 2021 study by the American Psychological Association found that only 26% of Black and Hispanic men who experienced daily feelings of anxiety or depression sought mental health care, compared to 45% of their white counterparts. Experts point to cultural stigma and lack of culturally competent care as major barriers.
Cultural barriers vary widely. In some Latino communities, concepts of “machismo” can discourage vulnerability. Many Asian American men may view mental health issues as bringing shame to the family. Black communities often grapple with historical mistrust of the healthcare system.
García says that even if men aren’t using terms like depression or anxiety, they will be there to support each other.
“I feel like it’s not in the same way that maybe women do it, or gay men do it, but as we all know, especially [in] Mexican culture, these guys get a couple of drinks in them and they’re all crying, or they see their daughter graduate and they cry,” he said. “So the emotions and feelings are there; now we have to connect the community to the conversation about it, and I think it starts with us.”
