Dear Annie: Older moms offer advice on how to respond to intrusive question

Dear Readers: I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your many responses to “Left Speechless,” the 55-year-old mother who felt herself struggling with how to reply to strangers when asked if she is her childrens’ mother or grandmother. We have such a supportive and insightful Dear Annie community (filled with many wonderful mothers!).

Here were some of my favorite letters:

Dear Annie: I was also an older mother and was often mistaken for my son’s grandmother. I knew it was going to happen, and I was never upset or irritated by it. My response was, “I’m the mom. I was blessed later in life,” and I said it with a smile. Not once did the other person ever question me further or give me strange looks. But they (SET ITAL) always (END ITAL) smiled back. — Happy Mom in Kansas

Dear Annie: I was 42 when our last son was born. Like “Left Speechless,” people would ask if I was his grandmother (I didn’t even look old, just older than most moms). I always smiled and said, “No, we did that all by ourselves.” Jerks turned beet red and never asked again. — Surprised to Be a Mom Again

Dear Annie: I’m so happy for this sweet mother having such love and dedication for her children. Please let her know that people asking a simple question doesn’t mean the question is judgmental. She didn’t include anything that sounded like judgmental statements — people are probably just wondering how to address her in regard to her children.

When my children were young, one was blonde-haired, hazel-eyed and the other had brown hair and brown eyes. People regularly asked me if they were both mine. I supposed they thought I might have been babysitting one. These days, I often watch my grandchildren and I have had people ask me if they’re mine. It doesn’t seem judgmental or intrusive. People are often just seeking a framework for who they’re encountering.

I think we do ourselves and the world a disservice when we assume everything is intended as an offense. I wonder if she could look inside and fortify herself to the point where she no longer feels inferior for being a mom of young children at her age. More power to her and I’d be willing to guess a lot of the people are actually supportive, or at least neutral, versus judging her.

If we’re firm in our own identity, no one else has to validate us and we don’t have to justify ourselves. I think it’s an opportunity for her to embrace her own self on a deeper level, which will serve her for the rest of her life. Just two cents from someone who learned this later in life. — Older Mom

Dear Annie: I was 46 when my daughter was born, so I got a lot of people asking me, “Is that your granddaughter?” I think a good response is, “Why do you ask?” Of course, it took a couple of years to come up with that. — A Very Lucky Mom