The last morning James and I spent together was Wednesday, November 29, 2023 – he was about to fly to Tanzania to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.
That morning he made a special breakfast for me and the three children. We had a lovely morning. We left just before him – I was bringing the kids to school, heading to work myself. James and his friend, Alan, were going to Dublin Airport together. We were joking and laughing going out the door.
On the Friday, we video-called him at 6.30am before he started climbing – he’d have no signal on the mountain. That’s when I realised: “This is massive, what he’s going to do!” The kids were shouting: “Keep going Dad, don’t give up.” We were all so excited. So that was it – our last call.
He was planning to be at the summit at sunrise on his 40th birthday. We were all missing him, but I said: “The longer we don’t hear from Dad, the better – it means he’s climbing.” We had no worries about him. He was super-fit, super-healthy. The doctor said James had an athlete’s heart – he bragged about that!
So… Tuesday, December 5: It was Chris’s 16th birthday. I brought my youngest, eight-year-old James to school. He had a parent-teacher meeting and he got a lovely review – I couldn’t wait to tell his dad so I texted, though I knew he wouldn’t see it ‘til he came off the mountain.
At about 2pm I was with Lilly, then 12, at the counter at Next. A WhatsApp call came, a number I didn’t know. It was Alan. He said: “I don’t know how to say this Grace.” I thought: “They’ve made the summit.” And Alan said: “I don’t know how to say it, but Jimmy had a heart-attack and he died.” I said: “What?” I hung up. Lilly saw me sitting on the floor near the till in Next. Loads of people were gathering around, I just couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe.
The woman in Next brought us upstairs. I told her: “My husband had a heart attack, he died.” Lilly said: “No, you said he just had a heart attack.” And then I thought maybe I heard Alan wrong, so I rang back and I said: “Where is he? Is he definitely gone?” And Alan said: “I’m so sorry, he’s gone, I’ve seen him.” I couldn’t believe it. My mind went blank.
My poor daughter – I’ll be forever guilty. I couldn’t phone anyone, couldn’t say the words. So Lilly phoned my sister and told her. I phoned a mum from school to pick up my youngest. I phoned James’s brother, told him – I heard him repeating the words “James is dead”, and his wife in the background screaming, and I thought this is real, this is happening.
James was so close to his family. None of us told him “don’t go”. If any of us had, he wouldn’t have gone. I didn’t think he’d break a nail – he was coming back to us.
Chris was waiting at home. It was just horrendous. I thought I’m never going to be able to tell small James, crush him. Chris said: “Mammy, I’ll do it.” I couldn’t allow that… he’s my baby too… I asked Lynn, the mom from school, to bring James home.
The saddest thing for me… he came in the door, so happy, saying it was nice, going to Charlie’s house. And I thought I’m going to take this from him, his innocence, happiness, this pure, pure child. I sat him down… He just wailed, screamed “no”. An hour later he was playing on the Xbox, laughing. I thought am I going to have to tell him again. Afterwards I learned this is a shock response.
We’ve a beautiful video of James from the night before he died, saying “I’m doing this for ye guys, love ye”, blowing kisses at the phone. He was so perfect, so healthy. I watch that video, think how was he gone a couple of hours later?
Alan wasn’t with him when he died. James had turned around to go back down – he knew at that stage it was too much. The guide who was with him told us James wanted to rest a minute and he lay on a rock. The sun was coming up. James said: “That’s so beautiful, I’ll take a picture… no, I’m just going to enjoy it.” He was watching the sunrise when he took his last breath.
James did not have a heart attack – he died from altitude sickness.
My heartbreak for James – the pain’s very real. But watching my kids, who just want to go out and kick a ball with their dad, something so simple they can’t have. I just think: “Come back, go play with the kids.”
And not having him to talk about things, to parent with me, is very hard. Without him, I question everything. People have said: “You’re young, beautiful, you’ll find someone else.” As if you could replace someone. He was so unique and kind and supportive.
He’d always want us to go away on a break, just the two of us. I’d say no. I’d want to bring the kids. I’d say. “We’re young – we’ll have years to do our nights away together.” To have no inkling – and no-one to tell him not to go.
- Grace O’Connor participates in the Cook Medical Mini-Marathon, Limerick, Sunday, October 6, running 5K, along with her children.
- James O’Connor’s anniversary and birthday Mass, Saturday, December 7, 6pm, Blarney Church – and at 8.30pm a fundraising table quiz in Buckley’s Bar for James’s son, Chris, who’s travelling to Sierra Leone with Schools and Health Foundation (https://www.schoolsandhealthfoundation.com/)
