It seems you are dealing with a demand and supply issue more than entitlement. He makes a demand, and you respond by supplying what he demands, and so it continues. Why would he stop demanding when you keep supplying money?
Entitlement starts with wanting something. That want quickly becomes a need. When we need something and another person withholds that from us, we get angry, even enraged, because we believe we are entitled to have our needs met.
This scenario seems similar to what is happening with your son, where your steady supply in response to his demands amplifies his sense of entitlement.
Yet, all of this is quite typical of a teenager his age. Indeed, many of his peers may also be demanding and getting a steady supply of cash. I suggest you structure the arrangement to find a more comfortable balance.
For example, sit with him (or wait until you are out for a drive together) and say calmly but matter-of-factly that you cannot keep handing over large sums of cash when he goes out.
#This is a statement and not open to negotiation. Tell him you understand he needs money when out with friends, but you need to structure what and how you give this to him to fit within your family’s budget and approach to spending.
So, in the future, he will be assigned a set amount of pocket money each week (you decide how much), and you will lodge it into a child’s bank account attached to yours. You will see what and where he is spending his money, allowing you to support him in managing his money better.
Be clear that you are not just giving him money — he must earn it by completing daily chores at home, and the pocket money will be paid at the end of the week to last until the end of the next week.
Pocket money is an excellent way to teach financial responsibility. Be clear about what he is to do to earn it and what you expect that money to cover (for example, personal items, phone or toiletries, or just for social spending).
Remind him that if he has a special event in the month (such as a birthday, away trip with the sports team, or cinema trip), he should budget ahead and hold back 10% of his weekly pocket money to have enough to cover any extras.
You need to hold a boundary around this. He doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t complete the chores. If he runs out of money and asks you for a top-up or advance, firmly say no and offer to help him learn how to manage better next week.
You are modelling cause and effect as much as financial responsibility, and he will learn to respect and appreciate that money must be earned.
- If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it by email to: [email protected]
