Dear Eric: My aunt on my mother’s side told me that there was something she needed to tell me, but that I’d have to wait until my mother passed. My mother was sick at the time, so I let it go.
My mother passed away 10 years ago, sadly, but after allowing us all time to grieve, I asked my aunt what it was she had to tell me.
However, when I asked her, she suddenly couldn’t remember. To this day we seldom talk. We were close as mother and daughter, always meeting up for lunch, calling and talking for hours. Now, she’s almost written me off. It’s as though she has a guilty conscience, if I were to guess.
I’ve tried countless ways of trying to get this out of her, only for me to be told “drop it, I don’t remember, like I told you, and stop asking!” This is taking a toll on me. I’ve thought about every scenario it could possibly be, even to the point of hiring a psychic.
I just need help on how to try and get my answers that are leaving me feeling hopeless.
– Looking for Answers
Dear Answers: I hate that your aunt created this cliffhanger. It’s not fair to you and has clearly compounded your pain. I’m really sorry.
Decide for yourself that whatever it was, wasn’t important enough for your mother to mention and therefore isn’t something that you need to know. And then tell yourself you believe it. This won’t be easy – it’s taken on the mythic stature of a Big Secret in your mind. But you can right-size it by telling yourself that this is some drama that your aunt has created in her own mind.
One thing that will help with this is trying to reset the relationship with your aunt. Tell her: I miss the closeness of our old relationship, and I need to get it back. What can we do to repair this? If it takes me never asking about the secret again, I’m willing to do it. That’s how much I value our relationship.
In time, she needs to apologize to you for creating this turmoil. I hope she does. I hope she’s able to get over whatever she’s built up around herself and be there for you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
