DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoyed a very happy marriage for 30 years, despite the fact that his mother never liked me and did what she could to undermine our relationship.
Last month, we were vacationing in Sri Lanka when he died suddenly in his sleep. Of course I cut the trip short, but even so, it took five days for me to get home. Those days were spent complying with local legalities, arranging for him to be cremated and for his ashes to be returned to the States, and rebooking an international flight.
I was uncomfortable having people hear about his death while I was still halfway around the world, but once I was safely home, I immediately notified his family and my family. I also ran an obituary in the local newspaper.
His mother is absolutely livid with me for not telling her for five days. She wrote me a vicious email in which she called me every bad name in the book and even hinted that I may have had something to do with his demise.
Of course I am not going to respond to her, but did I do wrong by delaying the announcement? Is there a rule that says that his family was entitled to immediate notification?
GENTLE READER: There is no formula that will answer your question with a number of hours or days, just as there is no excuse for a mother-in-law sending a vicious email to a grieving widow.
But there is certainly a duty to convey such news promptly, and telling your husband’s mother should be a significantly higher priority than running an obituary. Being halfway around the world, grieving, feeling alone and overwhelmed, and perhaps also being in shock all combine to excuse some delay. However, access to technology erodes this excuse.
It is well to remember that delay is, itself, hurtful — so much so that if past mistreatment by your mother-in-law figured in your choice not to call her sooner, that reflects poorly on you, not her.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
