Dear Eric: Mid-pandemic, my family and I moved to my husband’s hometown, hundreds of miles from our old city. It was a very difficult transition for me. I am a stay-at-home mom and the opportunities to meet people were very limited because of the pandemic.
However, about a year ago, I met two other moms with young children in the neighborhood. We became very close and now spend two to three days together every week, at the library, playground, or each other’s houses.
Meeting them was truly a lifesaver, giving myself and my children opportunities to socialize and pulling me out of my loneliness and depression.
However, my husband does not approve of these new friendships. He has come up with every excuse why we shouldn’t spend time together – their children misbehave and are a bad influence on our children (they act typical for their age, like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum); they make a mess of our house (which our children also do, with or without them); and their husbands have ill intentions toward me (which is absurd).
He even went so far as to ask his friend to come supervise when one of my friend’s husbands picked their kids up from our house when she was not there. I love my husband and want to have a happy and harmonious home. However, I value these friendships greatly and believe they make me a happier person, and therefore a better mother and wife.
– Finally Have Friends
Dear Finally: Your husband must not have much going on at work, because minding your business seems like a full-time job. This isn’t right. He’s acting out a very misplaced feeling of insecurity and until he works on that, I doubt any friendship you have is going to pass his quixotic standards.
Tell it to him straight: It’s important for me to have friends. Without them, I struggle with depression and loneliness. I know that you want the best for me and for our kids, so you need to tell me what this is really about.
He may not have a good answer. Again, that’s his work to do. The end of the conversation should be: These are the friends that bring me happiness. Is my happiness important to you? If so, I need you to support me in this.
And then don’t entertain any further complaints. This doesn’t need to be debated. If he’s not supportive of your happiness, that’s a bigger problem. But I hope he’s willing to do the work.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
