Dear Eric: A couple of years ago I reconnected with an old friend, and I invited her and her husband to my cottage where she and I had spent some good times together over 20 years ago.
Back then I often had a few too many drinks and also smoked. I don’t anymore. But she still does.
Over the two days at my cottage, her drinking was to the point where she was unable to carry on a conversation and I had to help her to walk.
When she is sober and not smoking, she’s smart, fun and engaging.
I invited them up again last year hoping that I could be more tolerant, but it was worse.
She’s been proactive about getting together over the past year. At the last lunch, she strongly hinted about an invite for this summer. I responded by text to say that it won’t work out this year due to family commitments (which is partially true). However, the real reason is her smoking and drinking.
Her response to my text was, “are you breaking up with me”? I didn’t respond.
Her life isn’t going the way she’d hoped. She has a very fractured relationship with her teenage son, and I think her marriage is struggling. It also appears that she doesn’t have many friends anymore and the relationship with her siblings has fractured, too.
Do I disappear or prepare for the hard conversation?
– Dry Friendship
Dear Friendship: I suspect your friend may have had similar breakup conversations or been ghosted in the past. And she may be marginally, or evenly acutely, aware of the reasons why.
So, a conversation may not be as bad as you fear, and it might actually lead her to getting some help. Give her that opportunity.
As someone who used to paint the town red with you, your friend could be having trouble adjusting to the new rhythms of your life now. But, from what you describe, she seems out of sync in her own life. You’re in a unique position to help her see that and, potentially, inspire a change.
Don’t disappear. What if you’re the only person who cares enough to express concern about how her drinking is affecting her and how it’s affecting you? Speak out of love and without moralizing. I hope she’s in a place to hear you.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
