Dear Lucas: Now that we’re getting close to the election, I have a few political signs in my lawn for candidates I plan to vote for. Or at least I did. I woke up the other day, and a select few of the signs were gone. For obvious reasons, I’m not telling you the candidates, but let’s just say they weren’t local elections. I think I know who is stealing them, but I can’t prove it. What should I do? Should I confront my neighbor about the stolen signs?
Dear Reader: Stealing political signs may be a crime, but it also sounds like a lot of fun, especially if you’re too young to drink, smoke or vote. Absent those things, kids have to find another way to punish society, such as driving around town with a big ol’ hook and scooping up signs as they drive by.
I know I’m blaming children for a political climate that was created by adults, and perhaps that’s because I’m projecting. When we were teens, we used to drive around and throw those 89-cent Taco Bell bean burritos at road signs. It made such a satisfying – and shockingly loud — splat! And it was no less illegal than the stuff my peers were doing for fun.
You can’t really confront someone without the evidence that they did it. But you can put out bounties for people to steal signs of the other political party. Offer $5 per stolen sign and pay them in bitcoin. A move befitting the political pettiness of our age, you will not be able to address the problem directly but can annoy your political opposites on a larger scale.
Is this illegal? Yes. But I’ve also seen people selling hard drugs on Facebook Marketplace.
Another option is to simply ask the campaign office for more signs. Every time they steal one, add two. They steal two, add four. Double it every time. You’ll look like an unhinged lunatic to your neighbors, and perhaps at this point you are. However, you can live happily knowing whoever tried stealing your signs over and over again is now even more irritated than you.
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