Dear Eric: I met this wonderful lady a year ago on a dating site. We hit it off and have been together ever since.
We enjoy the same things. We spend the weekends at each other’s houses. I love her, and she loves me.
The issue is intimacy. While I enjoy the closeness, holding hands, hugging, cuddling on the couch, I just don’t enjoy sex with her.
I find it difficult to perform, and even when I can it’s not satisfying. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and my libido is down or something else. She says she is satisfied with our sex life, but I have my doubts.
Should I tell her I think we’re just better off being friends?
—Friends or Lovers
Dear Lovers: Do you not enjoy sex with her or are you finding that you don’t enjoy sex at all anymore? If it’s the former, you may be better as friends. It’s OK to not be into it.
Or, since everything else is going so well, you can broach the subject of taking sexual intimacy out of your relationship. There are plenty of people who are in love and have healthy relationships and also are not having sex with each other.
If, however, the issue is focused more generally on your enjoyment of sex, I would hold off on ending things. It sounds like you’re experiencing some anxiety around performance, which is totally normal. Notably, if she’s telling you she’s satisfied, but you’re still doubting, there’s something else going on internally.
Maybe your body is changing, maybe you’re getting in your head. These things happen – quite a lot – and it can be very confusing. Try talking to your doctor or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. They can walk you through some remedies that could take the pressure off.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
