Asking Eric: I’m tired of hosting rude, messy relatives for the holidays

Dear Eric: My brother and sister-in-law visit infrequently, usually only once or twice a year, including a major holiday. After each visit I tell my husband that we will not host them again.

In the past, their arrival/departure times have been inconvenient. They converse loudly after others have retired for the evening or before others have risen in the morning. Doors are slammed simply from habit. Bath and bed linens are left in disarray.

They have helped themselves to our personal products even though we always say, “let us know if there is anything you need”.

They are provided comfortable guest accommodations and multiple meals, but never bring a host gift. I have the impression they feel entitled, as some of the families do not have financial concerns.

Please let me know, shall I “buck up” and tolerate their lack of manners and consideration, or suggest they book a room at one of several local hotels?

– Rental Relative

Dear Relative: This is the paradox of telling guests, especially guests we’re related to, that they should “make themselves at home”. Just whose home are we talking about here? Because the way some of these folks are living? No thanks!

In the interest of peace, you should let go of some of your qualms – maybe the bed linens? Or, if you don’t want them to use your products, take them off the shelf. Part of this is just miscommunication – what’s a dollop of shampoo between relatives?

Pick one or two things that you’ll just chalk up to a difference in styles. With the rest, communicate clear expectations before the visit. For instance, if they plan to arrive at an inconvenient time, tell them it’s inconvenient and give them a range of times that work for you. If you expect a host gift – which, I agree, is the right gesture – tell them. “Next time you come, bring some of that local honey we like,” or something of that nature.

Bottom line: it’s your house and you should be comfortable. But hosting guests is always going to disturb our preferred modes a little bit. Determine how far outside of your comfort zone you’re willing to be.