Dear Eric: I’m a 50-something woman living with my lovely (male) partner: we’ve been together for more than 15 years but never married. I had a first marriage to my teenage sweetheart which ended in divorce, something that was not only deeply painful to me but also to my conservative religious family. Mine was only the second divorce in our family.
I have kept my ex-husband’s surname as it was under that name that I established my career. I don’t think of it as his name but as mine: it’s a fairly common name so people have no reason to associate it with my ex. (e.g., if my parents & brother are the Browns, my partner is Mr. Gray and I’m Ms. Green.)
When my mother or brother write to me, they address the letters to Mrs. Green. I have not been Mrs. Green at home for more than 20 years and was always Ms. Green at work. I am not Mrs. Green. I am Ms. Green.
Mostly it doesn’t bother me, I think that’s just them. And I don’t know how to raise it with them without opening old wounds.
Do I continue to suck it up or do I say something. If so, what?
– Near Ms.
Dear Near Ms.: Even though your family took your divorce hard, I’m confident they can handle removing the “r” in your salutation without too much crisis. It’s an ink saver! A time hack! It frees up more Rs for people like me to use as first initials. And, most importantly, it’s your actual name.
Tell them you noticed the Mrs. on their last missive and that you missed the Ms. “I use Ms. instead of Mrs.; would you update your address book?” Hopefully, a gentle reminder will change the way they’re greeting you. If it doesn’t, they’re likely trying to send a message that you can feel free to return to sender.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)