Asking Eric: My husband is struggling to adapt with aging — and blames me

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 11 years.

When we got married, he was slightly hard of hearing. The past few months his hearing has gotten worse to the point that I have to raise my voice and repeat several times for him to hear me.

He then accused me of shouting at him and said if I didn’t mumble he could hear me. He further states that’s why I can’t get the TV voice remote to work because I mumble.

I did finally get him to go to a hearing specialist who tested him for hearing loss which was determined he has for female and children’s voices. He refuses hearing aids.

I know this is a serious problem and a sensitive issue. However, it’s very nerve-wracking for me. I love him very much. I just want to help him. I don’t want him to be embarrassed when out in public.

Could it be that I am a mumbler?

– Accused Mumbler

Dear Accused: Not guilty. Your husband is having an understandable struggle adapting to this change in his ability, but that’s not an excuse for him to take it out on you.

Our responses to the facts of life, particularly with regard to our bodies, sometimes defy logic. After all, logic doesn’t always meet our emotional needs. And your husband thinks he needs someone or something at which to direct his frustration.

You can help him and help your relationship by – to use a colloquial phrase – saying the quiet part out loud. In an unheated moment, tell him that you understand his frustration but that it doesn’t help either of you to be in conflict. Even if you do mumble, his hearing loss is a fact. This isn’t about the remote; it’s about your relationship. You two can either sit in silence or you can take steps together to fix this. And then ask him what he wants to do.

If you’re in a bargaining mood, you can promise to try to speak up if he promises to wear his hearing aid. But whatever happens, he’s got to stop taking his frustration out on you.