Dear Eric: I am a 58-year-old divorced woman. I have been dating my current partner for eight years. He is a talented, sensitive, complicated man.
If we have a disagreement, he can get mean, tends to call me names, monopolizes the conversation, and rarely understands why I am upset. He wants the focus on his feelings only.
I need to understand why he turns into a different person when we argue but I will not get an answer from him because he thinks I am lashing out and putting him down. I am confused and need advice.
– Confused Partner
Dear Partner: The way your partner is has the hallmarks of emotional abuse, which is a form of intimate partner violence. It is not your fault that he seems to turn into a different person when you argue. You are not causing him to belittle you, and it isn’t lashing out for you to express how his behavior makes you feel.
You two can address his actions in therapy, but the first thing you should do is take care of yourself and your emotional well-being. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or by texting BEGIN to 88788. Please reach out, even if you feel that it’s not that bad when you’re not arguing. Reaching out isn’t a commitment or an indictment. It’s a way of being heard, which you deserve.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
