Asking Eric: Our daughter abandoned home and her family

Dear Eric: Our daughter went for a “visit” to Indiana with her boyfriend.

My instinct that she was never coming back proved to be true. Then, about a year later, she sent us a long hateful email, blaming us for every perceived failure in her life.

I have forgiven her to the best of my ability. What hurts my heart the most is that my husband and other daughters can’t forgive her. My younger daughters won’t even say her name.

How do I help them process the anger and grief so they can be more at peace? If I cannot do that, how can I grieve this alone?

– Abandoned Mom

Dear Mom: I’m so sorry. This estrangement has clearly sent shockwaves through your family.

It’s not your responsibility to hold everyone together, though. Your husband and your daughters have to process this on their own time and in their own way. At some point, it will likely be helpful for all of you to work with a family therapist. They can help you, your husband, and your younger daughters sort out your feelings, work through your grief, and make a plan to move forward.

In the interim, take a look at the “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” by Karl Pillemer. The story of the family that remains doesn’t end with your older daughter’s exit. Take care of yourself and share what you find helpful with your husband and younger daughters. They can find their way through this, too.