Dear Eric: My son and his husband have been married for 14 years.
When they first visited, we did not want to make a great show of it or tell the greater family all at the same time. We were fearful of hurtful gossip/statements. My son and then-boyfriend took great offense at this and stopped contact with us for a while.
We had known our son was gay for a few years; we were OK with this. He had just graduated from college (which we paid for); he moved to his new boyfriend’s hometown and married a year later. We apologized over and over for anything we did wrong. He and his fiancé hammered us during many phone calls. We gave them an engagement party; they met all the greater family. We helped pay for and attended the wedding. We felt unwelcome.
We had tried to visit them every year. They are cordial, but mostly talk at us. They have never returned for holidays.
He is 38 now. I am always the one who initiates contact by phone, text or in writing. I let him do most of the talking; we try not to talk about us or any of the family in order not to offend or bore him. Last year, he didn’t even call at Christmas. It breaks my heart.
I have read books, gone to counseling, joined Al-Anon (to help me learn to let go), and pray constantly. We loved him so much!
Should I give up this shred of begging contact, and just grieve the loss the rest of my life?
– Heartbroken Mom
Dear Mom: Oh, this is such a hard space to be in. It’s a finger trap of hurt and neither of you can get free. I hope your son is getting therapy for the resentment he feels. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Walking on eggshells around him isn’t going to help you, though. Try to have a direct conversation with him about trust and rebuilding. “We weren’t the family you wanted/needed. This isn’t the relationship we want/need. This doesn’t feel good for anyone. Where do we go from here?” And do this with your husband, as too much of the work of reconciliation often falls to mom.
And your son’s got to be willing to make some amends, too. Interacting with family that hurt him in the past is likely triggering, but some of his behavior goes beyond self-protective and has become unkind.
If he’s not willing, or able, to work on a mutual trust with you, that’s a boundary he’s setting, and you have to respect it. There will be grief in that, but accepting the boundary allows you to release the old version of this relationship and embrace what is possible now.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
