Dear Eric: My dad has been married to my stepmom for more than 25 years. From the start of their relationship, it was clear that she didn’t want to deal with two teen stepdaughters but tolerated us anyway.
She can be fun and is considered the life of the party. There is clearly favoritism toward her two sons and it’s affecting the grandchildren.
My sister and I are routinely put on the back burner and there is little effort for them to see us and our kids. I tolerate the last-minute invites and one-sided conversations just to have time with my dad.
She likes to tell the same stories over and over. Any visits are always on her terms and convenient for them. All calls to them are on speaker phone. Plus, my stepmom reads and responds to all texts and emails that we send to our dad.
My sister and her son haven’t seen them in more than a year after questioning not getting an invite to a dinner. They are both in their 70s but are reasonably in good health. They do live out of state for half the year, so time with our dad is already limited. I try to stay kind, positive and understanding but it’s hard.
Do we continue to push for time with our dad? Or should we take the hint that they don’t want much to do with us?
– Perplexed Daughter
Dear Perplexed: I’m really sorry. This treatment has surely colored so much of your life, and it isn’t fair. Your dad should be proactive about maintaining your relationship and should have made it clear to your stepmom a long time ago that you’re valued.
In this situation, there’s the ideal relationship you’d have with your dad and then there’s what’s possible.
Push for the relationship that’s possible. If you’ll regret not being able to spend time with him or communicate with him, you can and should ask for what you want. You don’t have to be understanding about your stepmom’s rudeness or his refusal to prioritize you. Your dad and stepmom have what sounds like a toxic relationship. You can’t fix or change that. But she doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your relationship with your own dad.
If your dad is unwilling or unable to maintain a relationship with you directly, after all you’ve done to try to make nice, know that this isn’t about you or what you deserve. He may never be able to give you what you should have, but you lose nothing by being assertive in asking for it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)