Dear Annie: We lost our daughter-in-law to COVID-19 right after Thanksgiving in 2021. She and our son had divorced six months before. Both of them had new significant others and joined their three kids in a big blended family. My son’s girlfriend has three kids, and my daughter-in-law had gotten pregnant with her new boyfriend and had custody of our three grandkids.
She got COVID, had a C-section and passed two days after delivering, not even knowing she had had her baby. It was so heartbreaking it even made the news.
We have seen the newest baby, a boy who is now 2 1/2 only one time right after he was born. My son’s three kids asked about him a lot at first but now do not anymore. Why does my heart feel so broken still? He isn’t my grandchild by blood. I feel depressed over it and over losing my DIL. I loved her like an actual daughter. She and my son were married for 13 years and very amicably divorced. I was very close to her. We were all looking forward to her baby coming.
I’m at a loss. My son tells me to get over it and that her getting pregnant with her new boyfriend is what kept them from reconciling. Our DIL’s mother is estranged from the child as well because she hates the baby’s dad and makes no effort to see him. I’m almost willing to secretly go behind everyone’s back and try to have a relationship as his “Gramma.” After all, he is also my grandchildren’s brother and is now old enough to be included in their lives, too.
What are your thoughts? I’d hate jeopardizing my relationship with my son and doing this might… — Heartbroken Grandma
Dear Heartbroken: I’m so sorry for your loss. It makes sense to me that, given the close relationship you had with your daughter-in-law, you would feel as you do and want to be connected to her new baby.
There’s no harm in wanting to be a part of this baby’s life, but don’t do so behind your son’s back. Remember that everyone grieves differently and may need more time to adjust to the idea of these new family dynamics. I hope over time, with grace and open communication, your son may be more receptive to introducing this little boy into his siblings’ lives, at the very least.
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