Dear Annie: My sister-in-law always starts confrontations with family

Dear Annie: I have a sister-in-law who can’t seem to attend any family gathering without cornering someone for a confrontation. For years, that someone was me. I waited for my husband to step in, but after nothing changed, I finally decided to set some boundaries. Looking back, I wish I had spoken up sooner, but I hesitated because she’s my husband’s sister.

When I finally told her that topics like my marriage, my parenting and my health were off-limits, she reacted by saying my standards were too high. Since then, she has been ignoring both my husband and me entirely — like a child — going so far as to communicate through her husband when she wants something.

At the most recent family gathering, we were supposed to be celebrating a birthday at a local restaurant. I was relieved to be ignored for once, but unfortunately, she shifted her attention to her other brother and his wife. I could tell they were uncomfortable, and eventually, her brother had enough and left the table. His wife, instead of standing up for herself, checked on my sister-in-law, who was now crying and playing the victim, before going after her husband. Watching all of this made me nauseous.

After they returned to the table, my sister-in-law started in on them again. This time, my father-in-law tried to intervene and asked them to stop arguing so we could enjoy the evening. However, he’s so soft-spoken that no one really listened.

I felt like I should have said something, but I found myself once again debating whether it was my place to step in. My husband and I later discussed how we would handle future gatherings that turn toxic. We’ve decided that if the drama starts, we will simply get up and leave. We don’t want our children exposed to this immature behavior any longer.

Normally, I’m the type to speak up when something’s wrong, but when it comes to my husband’s family, he’s always afraid of making waves. So, I keep wondering — is it really my place to say something when she’s picking on other family members? The rest of the family has stayed silent for years, allowing her to get away with this behavior. But I believe if someone spoke up each time she acted out, she’d either stop or eventually stop coming around. Either outcome would be fine with me.

What should I do? — Silent Bystander

Dear Silent: Calling someone a bully is a harsh accusation, but your sister-in-law qualifies like few others. You should not do anything more than what you have done. In your case, setting boundaries worked. You might want to let her brother’s wife know about that so she can do the same. But in the end, this woman is toxic, and my advice is to stay away as much as possible. Leaving when the fighting starts, as you and your husband have decided to do, is a great idea.