Dear Annie: I married a man who was an only child, and throughout our marriage, his parents never let go of him. They wanted to be involved in every aspect of our lives and visited our home daily. I managed to set some boundaries at first, but after we had a child, their involvement became unbearable. They would arrive at our house by 7 a.m. and stay until dinner. While they were helpful, it started to feel like their presence and opinions were taking over our lives. Eventually, every decision we made had to meet their approval.
The situation reached its breaking point when I discovered they were planning to place a trailer on our property to live there permanently. That was when I finally drew the line and said, “I’m leaving.” Overnight, I went from being a decent daughter-in-law to “the worst one ever.” It took me a year to finalize the divorce, and my ex-husband and his parents fought me every step of the way. I kept thinking, “If I’m so terrible, why are they fighting to keep me in their lives?”
Within a year of our divorce, my ex-husband remarried. Honestly, I could have hugged his new wife; I felt so relieved to be out of that situation. From then on, I made my own decisions and have no regrets. I’m happy with the life I’ve built.
Since the divorce, my ex-husband and his new wife have moved more than eight times. It makes me wonder: Are they truly happy? — Relieved
Dear Relieved: It sounds like you and your ex-husband were fundamentally incompatible, so I’m glad that both of you found the path to separation and are now living lives that, hopefully, suit you better. However, something interesting about your letter is that you seem quite critical of how others choose to live their lives.
I understand that your in-laws’ behavior was overwhelming for you, but there are others who might welcome that kind of involvement and commitment from grandparents. Similarly, while frequent moves might seem unsettling to you, some people enjoy the excitement of exploring new places and embracing change. Everyone’s definition of happiness is different, and it’s important to let others live their lives the way that works best for them.
The best advice I can offer is to focus on what brings (SET ITAL)you(END ITAL) joy and fulfillment. When you accept others for who they are, it becomes easier to accept yourself as well.
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“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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