I think my cousin’s husband is online dating, should I tell her? 

Her husband is a lovely guy, and they seem very happy together. They are visiting his family in Australia, and I am minding their house and their dog while they’re away. 

The battery in my laptop went kaput last week and I asked my cousin for the log in for their laptop.

When I opened the browser to log into my Gmail account, there was another one logged in with a name I didn’t recognise.

 I read some of them, and there is a whole load of emails going to and from with a woman from this other account. There’s nothing else in there only spam. 

I didn’t read them all, but the few I saw, while not sexual, were very friendly and flirty in nature, favourite films and that kind of thing.

I think my cousin’s husband is online dating under a different name. I don’t know what to do with this information. 

I could be completely wrong and risk getting involved in their relationship. I am an only child, and this cousin is like a sister to me, I would be devastated if she ‘shot the messenger’ so’s to speak. 

But if I do nothing, I hate to think of my cousin being cheated on. But if it’s just emails, is there any harm in it? What do you think?

Well now, you’re in a tricky situation is right. I’d imagine your mind hasn’t stopped racing since you went on this laptop. You’re in a position that nobody wants to be in and in one sense there is no clear evidence, but there is a whole lot of explaining to be done.

If you had seen this guy doing something in front of your eyes with another woman, it would be straightforward. You would go straight to your cousin and said what you saw. 

You really have to be so careful here. 

If this guy is online dating under another name when that is wrong and very serious, but if this is something very innocent with nothing at all behind it and if he is accused of something that he didn’t do then that is worse, it might end what has been a very happy life for all that family. 

Because no matter how innocent you are if there is the tiniest bit of doubt in a relationship for no reason at all it could cause serious problems.

We can’t forget that there is a daughter here too and she needs to be protected at all costs. A ‘scandal’ can follow a family around for a very long time.

There are lots of ifs, buts and ‘I think’ here. This is not good enough; we need to find out more. You think this guy is online dating under a different name, but you don’t know for sure. You need to find out and because all of this dilemma has come from this source, you need to start here.

There is no doubt, but you are taking a huge risk in getting involved in this relationship and I know you are very worried about this and you should be.

You need to contact him and tell him the truth. You need to say, look while I was house sitting … and tell your story and see what his response is. You need to be really truthful and say you read some of the messages. 

This is going to come as a shock to him and he won’t be happy, so expect a reaction from him. When you read other peoples message you don’t know the tone or the background to them, but he will know.

You say he’s a lovely guy and until you know differently you should treat him as such. You did say that the messages are nothing sexual, very friendly and flirty. 

I wouldn’t take much notice of the very friendly ones, and it really depends on what you mean as flirty, I’d need to see them. 

It’s the login name that you don’t recognize that is a flare for me, but what might be strange to you might and make sense to your cousin and for husband, if you know what I mean.

You said at the beginning of your letter this relationship looks perfect from the outside, it might be the opposite with these messages and login in.

You might think I’m sticking up for him here, but I’m on nobody’s side, only that of the truth and that is paramount here. 

Once you ask him about the login and the messages, you’ll know what you’re dealing with. 

If he is online dating and now, he’s been caught, what do you do? You need to give him the chance go and explain his actions to his wife.

You can explain your story after and say you really needed to make sure that this was true before you did anything about it. This is the reasonable, sensible and right way to approach this. You need to tell her that nobody else knows about this and you are there for her.

You’re worry about her ‘shooting the messenger’ don’t ever worry about that, now she is going to be very upset if this is the case and you need to be there for her.

I can’t see how you will bear the brunt in this, she might say why didn’t you come to her first, but you didn’t have all the information so you couldn’t. 

If she is cold with you on this, she will come around in time when the fog clears and even eventually thank you.

Now, I think it’s very important to say until we know any differently, this guy shouldn’t be treated like a convict, and I’d say the same if it was a woman who was in the dock and under the spotlight.

It’s the lack of information that makes this so hard at this point and that’s why it’s important to find out more about the whole thing and you are the only person to do this, whether you like it or not.

You have found yourself in this position and the only thing you can’t do is nothing!