Strategies to help your neurodivergent child go back to school

The first thing to acknowledge is that “ESBA” (emotionally based school avoidance) among ASD or neurodivergent children is not very well studied.

There are a few academic papers that I will reference and draw on here to give you further information.

ASD children, in my experience, may be very good at hiding the distress that the school environment is causing them.

They hold themselves for the school, it is only when they come out and meet their parents that the frustration and despair becomes apparent.

It is an exhausting experience for them to manage their emotions so tightly, so when they are safe with their parent the valve gets released and their feelings of overwhelm are let out.

Parents can often be very confused by this behaviour, but you are their safe space.

ASD children can display distress in ways not easily interpreted — hitting out (dysregulation) or self-stimulatory behaviour. One study in Asia found that ASD children start school-refusing earlier than neurotypical children.

There are two main reasons why an ASD child might start to develop a difficulty with going into school:

• Negative reinforcement: The school environment can be very difficult for an autistic child to manage. Sensory issues, peer relations, lunch times, isolation etc, can all negatively reinforce school as a place to avoid.
• Positive reinforcement: This speaks to the desire to stay in an environment that is viewed as easier or more comfortable. It’s rooted in the fear of leaving home or being separated from a parent.

Figuring out your child’s stressors is the first step in understanding the cause of this behaviour. Parents I speak with often display a variety of emotions when talking about their child’s difficulty with school.

They feel powerless as a parent, their parental authority is shattered, their own confidence as parents can really be impacted by this experience.

A sort of paradox can develop as the behaviour which caused parents to allow the child to avoid school gets utilised louder when any talk of going back into school is mentioned.

What parents can do:

Getting up, doing school work etc, is an important part of getting your child’s confidence back.

They will eventually have to go into adult life, and avoidance is not a strategy that will allow them to thrive as an adult.

I know this might sound hard, but remember: The absence of distress or anxiety is concretising the child’s utility of avoidance.

Restrict technology during school time, so that they do not get lost in the immersive world of gaming while everyone else is in school.

This is not about punishing your child, but about keeping them in a routine. They can have the games after school is finished.

Speak with the school. Identify triggering factors. For example, I remember working with this wonderful student who had started to avoid school.

I called out to his house and had a chat with him, and he told me it was lunch-time that he hated.

He described sitting on his own, uncomfortable as the rest of the lads chatted and joked.

I asked him what was his favourite hobby and he told me chess.

Later that evening I spoke with the principal and we set up a room for students to play board games during lunch or to sit and eat. It brought the student back into school.

So, talking with the school and figuring out how to reduce particular stressors could really help your child. Like walking in the corridors when it is really noisy could be something that upsets a child.

By tweaking their movement so they are not in the middle of that chaos might help.

Very gently is the way to work with your child. Listen to them and give them clear advice about the routine they are going back into.

Role playing can be helpful, or driving down to the school on a Saturday when there is no one around.

Remember what I said last week: Anxiety is the fear of the unknown, help to make it more knowable.

I have seen how this works, I have often walked past and a student is in the nice room, just taking 10 minutes to process their feelings.

The school experience can really be a one-shoe-fits all, and of course we are all so different it can be a distressing experience for children.

We need a more inclusive school environment, we are getting there but still have a long way to go — acknowledge that, and don’t beat yourself up about what is happening.

They will find their way in life, we all did!