My teenager has done their Leaving Cert but has no idea what they want to do in life now

I’m doing my best to be patient, but it’s very difficult to see her hanging around the house when the rest of the family is working flat out.

The first thing that strikes me about your letter is how active you are in identifying and sourcing something that will engage and interest her and how passive she is in this process. There is no sense of urgency or even motivation in how you describe her approach to her situation.

When she says ‘fashion’, I am not clear (and neither are you, by the sound of it) about what she has in mind. She does not seem to want to study fashion (via a PLC), which would lead her to design, purchasing or work in fashion retail selling clothes.

I wonder if she is harbouring an ambition for a big career in the fashion world. Invite her to try a playful activity around this and ask her to describe a day in her life five years from now and then to describe a day in her life 10 years from now. Don’t respond with reality-based criticism to what she says because the purpose is to explore what dreams she is holding and what her desire is.

Whatever she says can be a starting point from which to work backwards and find what would help her achieve these dreams.

Beyond this point, though, other issues strike me in your letter. The passivity I note in your daughter about her career also seems to be present in how she views her day-to-day life and her obligations now that she has completed her education. She still behaves like a child who relies on you for everything, even ideas and decisions about her future. I suggest the first change may need to start with you.

Calmly sit with her, or perhaps go for a drive, walk, or lunch together. Reflect that she finished school three months ago and that you are glad she enjoyed a fun and restful summer. Tell her it’s OK that she has not decided to pursue a third-level course because she can always return to education at any point. Next, emphasise that no one in your family lives at home and does nothing so, just like everyone else, she must get a job and start contributing. 

State this in an upbeat way because this should be a positive thing. She is entering the adult world and will be treated as an adult. I suggest you tell her she must contribute financially towards living at home (the amount is up to you, and whether you use it for household costs or save it for her in an account quietly is also up to you, but she should contribute). Tell her that you will help her with a CV and getting ready for interviews, but her focus for the next few weeks is getting a job, any job.

You need to step back and do less for her so that she can step up and do more for herself. The transition from secondary school to independent adult working life is not easy for everyone, and this is the best way to support her.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [email protected]